tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3783670245036501397.post3287958266449821175..comments2023-07-09T05:25:29.134-07:00Comments on Christa Polkinhorn Bookworm Press: An Uncommon Family, chapter 2author Christa Polkinhornhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14609212815347152668noreply@blogger.comBlogger5125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3783670245036501397.post-24894493317793572742011-01-01T23:00:57.655-08:002011-01-01T23:00:57.655-08:00Christa:
I really like this. Lovely and sad. I de...Christa:<br /><br />I really like this. Lovely and sad. I definitely want to read more.<br /><br />I do have some proofreading notes. (Grain of salt required...)<br /><br />"It had been an unusually hot summer in a country, which wasn’t exactly known for its heat waves." Why the comma? Better is: "It had been an unusually hot summer in a country not known for its heat waves."<br /><br />"The strong pungent scent of basil in between the tomatoe plants reminded Anna of her gardening chores she kept putting off because of the heat." Should be: "strong, pungent"; and "tomato"<br /><br />"in case the child had another one her nightmares." Missing word. Should be "another one of"<br /><br />Anna getting the "ominous phone call" is a chance for a powerful scene, as opposed to a brief recollection. Might build this out more, rather than keep it distant.<br /><br />I loved this: "It smelled of wet grass, of chrysanthemums, the sweet-rotten aroma of fall."<br /><br />"Anna was shaking hands..." More active is better here: "Anna shook hands..." In general, watch out for the passive voice.<br /><br />"Like porcelain dolls or empty shells, Anna thought." Nice. <br /><br />"Driving back to Zurich, Anna was thinking of Karla..." Passive. Better is "Anna thought of Karla"<br /><br />"Anna, alone again, was gazing at the lake..." Passive. Better: "Anna...gazed"<br /><br />That's all I got. Lovely scenes, Christa. I'll read more later.<br /><br />Best,<br /><br />DavidDavid Wiseharthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01438917127132239969noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3783670245036501397.post-66167398589815265842010-12-19T23:09:04.545-08:002010-12-19T23:09:04.545-08:00Ooops, Linda, how embarrassing! Thanks for pointin...Ooops, Linda, how embarrassing! Thanks for pointing out the blunders. The novel is at its editing/proofreading stage and such feedback is highly appreciated! No matter how often you reread something, you often overlook even some obvious errors!<br />Thanks again,<br />Christaauthor Christa Polkinhornhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14609212815347152668noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3783670245036501397.post-70492064702108117012010-12-19T14:09:35.713-08:002010-12-19T14:09:35.713-08:00Christa, a sad, poignant story many will emphatize...Christa, a sad, poignant story many will emphatize with. I did notice a couple of things - should it be "fell asleep in Anna's arms" instead of "fell asleep in Anna's arm"? Also should it be she can have a "kitty" instead of she can have a "kiddy"? <br /><br />It's a really good sample and I would definitely read more.Linda S. Pratherhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10346358209621450429noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3783670245036501397.post-80681793365279062042010-12-19T13:24:49.409-08:002010-12-19T13:24:49.409-08:00Thanks Edie!
ChristaThanks Edie!<br />Christaauthor Christa Polkinhornhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14609212815347152668noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3783670245036501397.post-78735717934156183682010-12-19T07:08:16.827-08:002010-12-19T07:08:16.827-08:00Great scene!Great scene!Edie Ramerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17084144940233965447noreply@blogger.com